En route to loving myself

Hi, guys. It's been a long time since I last wrote anything. I usually rant on my Twitter now while full knowing that no one cares about them lol.

I was watching Netflix, Atypical and it's not bad. I mean, it actually attracts me because most of Netflix series did not really catch my attention. I paused for a while because I JUST NEED TO WRITE DOWN MY THOUGHTS NOW.

Is this a sign of I'm loving myself more now? 

I did not care about people that much anymore. I used to be dead worried and couldn't stop spamming messages saying sorry, explaining myself again and again, couldn't bring myself to do anything because I was super anxious when the other person did not reply to me. I tried so hard to hold me from calling many times. I felt really miserable because I felt like I was the worst person ever to make my loved person become mad at me. I would cry and sometimes I hyperventilated because I was too stressed, I couldn't breath and the only way was to sleep but it was almost impossible to sleep in such a condition. I would put on my sad songs on shuffle just to add up more my sadness. 

I would only feel better after they replied to me, even one message. But then, I would continue to feel miserable until the other person is really really okay. That shit, sucks tbh. I immediately stopped the fun I was having at the moment, I automatically became unhappy, moody and upset until they are okay. That sucks when your emotions depends on other people.

It's not okay at all to depend emotionally on people. 

You feel you, you do you, you decide for yourself.

Surprisingly, today, I didn't spam as much as I used to do. I still said sorry for quite many times but that's it. I don't spam when they don't reply, I only say things that need to be said. I wouldn't say I feel good but it's better than before. I don't know if it's because I'm distracted or sumn but I'm quite happy about that. I mean, it is an improvement, for me, at least. 

Being sad ain't fun at all. Being stressed snatches all the fun away. 

I think this is just a reflection of what people do to me. No one has ever felt that guilty when they do me anything wrong so why should I be all sad? If they can enjoy while I'm not okay, why can't I right? 

I learnt this the hard way. I went through the bad ways before I actually came to this. Even up until now, I don't know how long I could last. I mean, I could be writing about all those things above but you wouldn't know if I'm going spamming after this saying sorry again and explaining shits again lol silly me. 

I'm going to post this. 

Learn to love yourself 

:)